Digital Circus and Suicide
SPOILERS AHEAD
The Amazing Digital Circus
I'm 30 now.
A few days ago, I binged The Amazing Digital Circus in one night.
It was fantastic. I only watched it because I saw art of the purple rabbit crying and it triggered a (most likely undiagnosed autistic) feeling in my brain.
It made me cry 3 or 4 times while watching it.
I love all of the characters.
The ending was perfect, and well thought out.
Though it's so high-grossing, full of weirdo fans, and memed to the point of most people thinking it's cringe, it really did have a lot of soul put into it. Gooseworx is a real one for finishing it.
Jax abstracting was beautifully tragic. I can relate to him, unfortunately, when it comes to showing affection and combatting repression. Repression and resentment.
That night and the night after, I would lie in bed and sob to myself.
I thought about how I've treated and alienated my friends and ex-partners. How much of a hedonistic, lazy, selfish, and avoidant man I am.
Suicide.
(Take this with a grain of salt. I'm fine.)
I have a stable job, a quiet place to live, and food in my fridge.
In my post-media-consumption spiral, revisited very old habitual suicidal ideation.
The culmination of months-long-emotional-drought has been leading up to these nights; loneliness, guilt, doubt, and sloth.
Beautiful, unending introspection.
I woke crying, and drove to work in hysterics; questioning my choices, and the people I've left behind.
I've dealt with ideation since I was a kid (I was a fuck-up in school and eventually picked up a funny little habit). But as I got older I learned the patterns of this kind of thinking, and can avoid the spiral.
It's a part of who I am, and the way that I live.
It sounds scary, but ideation resides in a lot of people. It's taboo to talk about if you experience it. Not every day is a crisis, and not every person you talk to about it will know what to do. The very few people I've told about this have either love-bombed me as if I was in the midst of jumping off a bridge, or reiterated how selfish and stupid I sound.
It's just another thing one thinks about, and moves on.
When depressive spells hit, so does ideation.
Now that's pathetic.
All because I saw epic Pomni and Jax adventure deluxe!!!! And it made me cryy wahhh ;,(
Something's in my brain that's fucked up, but I don't know what.
Angels.
Talking to my close friends is something that I take for granted.
IRL I sound like a complete marble-mouthed, nasal-y ingrate. The fact that anyone would listen to what I have to say, laugh, and fire back, is a blessing.
The ones in real life, and the ones that live on my computer screen.
My brother, especially.
I live for these people. They make me happy. I never want to let them down.
If I didn't have these people, I would not be around. My soul is weak without them.
I want them to see me succeed, not give up like a sorry wimp.
DELTARUNE CHAPTER 5 BABY
spoilers
FUCK BEING DEPRESSED THIS GAME ROCKS BITCH!!!
Just beat it, I love Susie and Noelle's moments. I love all of the colored flowers, and the MUSIC bro it's insane. Those fuckers know how to make some good art.
Kris is a fucker for now and I hope they actually end up okay and with good intentions.
The secret boss fight, the main boss fight, the 2D platformer gimmick, Suzie carrying Noelle and Noelle saying she's just listening to her heartbeat...
Rock-solid chapter.
Toby Fox is my god.
Shit pulled me right out of the dirt. I'm actually inspired to do whatever now.
And a fantabulous thing: my friend just beat it as well, so I have someone to geek out on it with.
(gif of peter griffin crying and clapping)
...
So yeah I'm burnt, and I need a vacation.