Brain Juice
lol.
So here we are - the 2 month mark is coming up of no job.
I was doing well for about 3ish weeks. But I had a drink in the garage that sent me into a non-sober spiral of disaster.
The last 3 weeks I waited the weekdays out for the weekend. Weekends were now starting Friday, and I got fucked up off of my ass until Sunday. Come those Mondays, I was so demotivated to do anything, I just nestled back into my cave, watching youtube and doing little to nothing creative.
I had the foresight for this, and wanted to prevent it, but drinking is a real bitch to kick; especially when all of your friends drink too.
bro.
Just this last weekend, I got black out drunk with a friend.
We fucked, and I ended up getting tonsillitis from a dirty, dry, pizza and bodily fluid filled mouth.
Besides the regret, the hangover, and the throat pain, I really had to take a step back and assess what I was doing to myself.
I burned 3 precious weeks in favor of drinking and consuming.
After the hangover went away, I felt it. Real, true, hard stress.
I need income.
I barely lasted the 2 months I wanted to take and relax. It's coming up, and I've already started feverishly applying to jobs. (lol)
passions.
I've been working on two games. One, in the beginning of my break, and another that I've been dedicating more time to as of late. I want it to be something that someone will enjoy and have fun with.
But I also have been feeling the ever creeping threat of no money.
So I want the game to do well. But that's starting to feel stressful too - Like I'm putting all my eggs in this basket.
It's been putting me in a really weird mindset that I can't shake.
I know I can get a job - I have plenty of relevant experience. 5 or 6 years of it. But the waiting, and constant "Due to the high number of applicants..." emails have been jacking my brain off in a bad way.
I dunno.
I'm gonna run some postmates orders on the weekends, and maybe in the late afternoon on weekdays for some rent money. I have savings, but I'll try and keep them unmolested for the most part while I'm on the hunt.
character.
Adversity breeds creativity. Adversity builds strength. Adversity builds character.
I'm a pushover, and the adversity grindset has been scaring me. "It's not a big deal, and I have a cushion that would outlast my lease twofold", I've been telling myself.
But fuck man, I had a really cushy life.
Now that I'm faced with the smallest challenge of getting a part time job for rent money, I'm freaking out.
What a wimp, honestly!
This is what I was craving when I was sitting at that desk. Something challenging and interesting.
I didn't think it would feel tense, stressful, and frantic. I was assuming everything would be easy forever, and I would just blow along I guess.
peace.
This goes for any challenge that I can't predict a 100% positive outcome: I retreat into my mind and contemplate easy ways out.
Fuck it, drink. Fuck it, back to IT. Fuck it, noose. Fuck it, beg for a room at my parents'. Fuck it, it's too hard.
I'm realizing that I'm truly in the middle of it. I'm in the middle of what I need to do. I need to nut up, and ride the wave. Climb the boulder. Beat my meat.
I never want to go back to IT, and I sure as fuck don't want to live with my parents again. Nor do I think drinking or dying actually solves anything.
While I'm trying to find greener IT pastures for stable revenue, I need to learn to relax. I know everything'll be okay, even if I had to go mountain man car camping forever. Library's got free internet, water, and a bathroom.
But as for the coming weeks, months, and, god-forbid, year, I'm going to try and stick to my initial rules and grind a game out.
We'll see how postmates goes after this week or two. I've done it before, and it was fun.
Tiptoeing around the idea of eternal sobriety is my heart.
Let the rime of my freezer whisk my heart away to a domain of frozen vegetables, chicken breast, and popsicles.
This is a long post, but I haven't posted in 20 something days. Even my local journals have been suffering from my 3 week bender...
...
Listen to the band Cheeseburger.
Big Night is my favorite song from them.